Meeting Jesus...

If you asked the old me if I believe in God? I would say "definitely, Yes!" I believe in God and I will even add that I am a pretty religious person as I went to Catholic church almost every Sunday. But He never really 'rule' in my life...in fact, God is more like a foreign person in my life that I look-up to, but never played a big role in my life. Oh...He also only exists on Sunday.

Life in Austin, Texas was interesting. Fun, freedom, and no parents. I got to travel to new places, make new friends, try new things....nonetheless, I wasn't feeling happy. There's something that I was looking for and I couldn't find it in this place. The fun life and friends were not that fun anymore. So when He closed the door for me to stay in Austin, he opened another door for me to go to Tucson, Arizona. So I went and entered The University of Arizona on August 2008.

Boy, oh, boy..what an interesting place. Tucson is a VERY HOT and DRY place! Although I felt miserable, I was very determined to learn to like the place. And then....I fell in love, not necessarily with the city, but with the new friendship from ICF Tucson. Their love and care is unconditional. When I first time arrived in the city, I had no place to stay and 2 girls offered me their apartment while they were away for a Summer vacation. Me, a stranger, and these girls offered me their bed? Vera and Mery, you might not be aware how much your trust had touched me. You truly showed me a real-life example of Christian love.

"Do you think you'll go to heaven when you die?" was the question that Vera, my bible study leader, asked me during one of the session. My answer "Definitely not, because I will never be good enough to go to heaven." That question kept on lingering in my head. For the next weeks and months, I was frequently taunted by suicidal thoughts. I remembered peeling an apple and suddenly wondering what if I slit my wrist. Or I will be walking to school and suddenly thought about jumping to the street and getting hit by a car. Fortunately, nothing happened during that time as I refused to follow the suicidal urges. Meanwhile, I went on with my busy life.

While I was walking to school in Fall 2009, a thought came to my mind like a thunder..."yes, I can go to heaven because Jesus had died on the cross for my sin." In the middle of the day, out of nowhere, through the Holy Spirit prompting, I firmly believe that His death on the cross was enough to redeem me from my future punishment! Since then on, I decided to be a follower of Jesus and let Him rule in my life.

Gift from Above

On November 15, 2009...my husband suddenly realized that I had missed my period for 6 days. So we decided to use a home pregnancy test that has expired in 2006 *who knows...it might work?* And then...the result is positive. WHATTTT????

The next days were filled with so much anticipation as we went to Walgreens to buy more pregnancy test and even went to the hospital to do urine test for additional pregnancy test. We just wanted to be sure! And all of the tests confirm it...we are pregnant!!!

Dream Comes True

Finally....we got a chance to backpack around Europe from April 3rd - 26th, 2009. I am really thankful to God and my husband for giving me a chance to do this before we started a family. We were supposed to go 2 years ago. We even already bought the airplane tickets and I was crying for at least 1 hour when we had to cancel it due to visa difficulties.

Everything was exciting..new...beautiful...WOW!!! I really love all the historical information that I learnt and the beauty of each country. Each has its own uniqueness, and being able to visit them for a short time was such an exciting experience. The joy of finding the hidden beauties, getting lost, running after the trains, trying unknown food and snacks..were truly part of the FUN!

We learned a lot about each other's strengths and weaknesses and developed patience for each others. This trip definitely brings us closer as we got no one to rely on, expect each other and God. I am also thankful that I got to do this trip and share the experience with someone whom I love and trust. Thank God that He kept us safe from any harm after all the horror stories about pickpocket and crime in Europe!!!

Even now when I close my eyes, I could still see the town square in Brussels, the magnificent Eiffel Tower, or the beautiful Alps. Those are the memory that I can take with me for the rest of my life.

High School

This is a hard post for me since not a lot of people knew about it. Although it happened so long ago, my heart still aches when I think about it. Regardless, I am glad that I got to experience failure, learned from it, and witness God amazing timing and plan for me.

I used to not take school seriously as I sailed through them successfully without having to do much studying. However, things change dramatically when I was in the 2nd grade of high school. In Indo at that time, you got to choose your major as soon as you reached the 2nd grade of high school..whether it is Science (A1), Biology (A2), or Economics (A3). Because my grades were good enough, I became Science major without much consideration, ...solely because I had not thought about what I wanted to become and Science major would give me more opportunities to decide on my university major later on. It's a complicated education system in Indo.

So I started my 2nd grade of high school and learned about Physics, Math, Chemistry, Biology, and so on...and I hated them. It turned out that Physics is my kryptonite. I didn't understand anything about it and I really disliked the subject. I also struggled through Chemistry and Biology. In short, I was hoping to be able to sail through them like before..but instead, I failed and had to repeat 2nd grade of high school.

It was a wake-up call for me. Repeating 2nd grade of high school while all my friends (I knew and grew-up with most of them from kindergarten) are enjoying their senior year...I was heart broken and embarrassed of my failure. Although I had a choice to move to another school and buy report (so I don't need to repeat 2nd grade), my parents decided to let me live with the consequences of my action.

July 1995 is the start of a new semester and I sit in front of the class by myself, repeating 2nd grade as an Economics major (A3), feeling like a stranger because I knew no one in the class. I was heartbroken and about to cry...but I managed to show a huge smile to all my new classmates who looked at me with curious and suspicious eyes. I was determined to start over.

The first 6 months were tough...really tough! Whenever I came back from school, I cried in my room..my cheek hurt from smiling too much and my heart was full of guilt from my failure and from disappointing my parents. I lost my confidence, but I was determined to never fail again. Long story short, I found a group of friends who were wonderful enough to accept me as their new friend; Tascha, Lie Mei, and Imel. I am truly grateful for their friendship!!! Thanks to them, I was able to enjoy the rest of my high school life.

The one-year delay was actually part of God's great plan as it actually allowed me to study in US. I always had this desire to be independent and study abroad, far from my parents (Remember, I had the middle child syndrome at that time). The timing was just too perfect with the pick-up in my parents' business and 'coincidentally' one of my good friend was about to study in US as well. My parents would not be able to support my US school's tuition or allow me to go abroad by myself, had I been graduated 1 year ago.

So off I went to attend Austin Community College in Austin, Texas on August 1996.

Growing up as a Boy

When I was a kid, I didn't have much hair. So I grew up with very short hair, dark skin, and skinny body. My mom told me that the elementary school's principle thought that I was a boy after she looked at me and misheard my name as "Iwan" (instead of my childhood name of "Yowan"). So she was really surprised when she saw me in skirt.

I didn't grow up with dolls, princesses, or barbie. In fact, the favorite toy in my house when I was growing up is Lego, in which my siblings and I would turned into guns and buildings to play "Rambo". In addition to trees and gates, I liked to climb on roof and just pretended that I was trying to conquere the Mount Everest. I don't like the girly stuff and I am not into frilly dresses. When I was in middle school, I was stopped by the rest room lady at the airport because she thought that I was a boy trying to enter a women's rest room.

I guess I am a bit tomboyish or maybe just a late bloomer...

Being a Middle Child

Whether you believe it or not, there is such thing as a middle child syndrome and I have one. Born as a second daughter, I have an older sister and a younger brother. It's hard to explain what went on that actually convinced me that my dad loves my sister and my mom loves my brother, more than me. I felt different and I felt less-loved. I started to develop this feeling when I was around 9 years old.

When we were young, my parents helped clean our ear wax (or korek kuping in Indo). All three of us would lined up on their bed and waited for our turns. One of my parents would hold the flashlight to make the ear wax visible and the other will do the digging. It was trully an enjoyable and relaxing moment as all of us would be in the same room and we got to "ohh-and-ahh" when my parents were able to pull out one of those really big ones.

As we grew older, this activity become scarce since all of us were getting busier, which made this activity even more special than before. So I was really sad when I started to realize that my parents usually spent more time cleaning the ear of my siblings than mine. They said that because my ear lobes are small, I don't have many ear wax. A very logical explanation indeed, but to me at that time...it was just another proof that they love my siblings more than me.

So I rebel and started to separate myself away from my parents and siblings. "Fine...if they want to have fun without me, I'll just go and create my own fun!" I gave my parents lots of headache afterwards by skipping school (I climbed out of the school gate and ripped my skirt), by venturing out with bicycle to big roads (I got hit by motorcycle and becak), by going to a friend's house after school without telling my parents (we swam in the fish pond and climbed jambu tree), etc..etc..

What a naughty kid I am...but what a FUN childhood it was!

The Beginning

I am not a gifted writer and I am not very good at expressing my thoughts/ feelings through words. However, with everything that had happened and are happening in my life right now, I feel like I need a way to record them. I laughed, I cried....through pain and through joy, they shape me to become who I am today. These experiences need to be remembered so I can praise God, again and again, for being in my life and guiding me through them.

So this is my journey...to the promised land....